NEW RULES!

I gather that, by now, you fine folks know exactly where I stand on red-staters and other tourists accosting my city. Friday is "Black Friday", named for the fact that many retail stores expect the day after Thanksgiving to put them in the black and whisk them away from red debt (Hmmmm...Red = debt. Iiiinteresting.). For me, it is the beginning of the acceleration of my New York nervous condition which was issued to me along with a mini box of Tide and 4 laundry quarters in the mail upon my arrival here. In the spirit of Bill Maher, my favorite Libertarian, here's a list of New Rules for the holiday tourists:

1) If you are looking up at a skyscraper, like the Chrysler Building, you can have 5 SECONDS to appreciate the beauty. After that, you must reacclimate yourselves to your surroundings, have some common courtesy and respect, and MOVE ON. Do not stare at the sky like morons! No, money and hot men/women will not fall from it and it will not suddenly make you cool.

2) For the love of Christ, stand TO THE RIGHT on the subway escalators. Keep in mind that you are invading someone else's city and mooching off of people who have to go to work to pay exorbitant taxes so Central Park stays nice for you lot. LET THEM THROUGH.

3) There is now a Bloomingdales in SoHo. Please use that one and leave the 59th Street one ALONE.

4) If you see fit to take pictures of elevator doors in a certain landmark that just happens to be WHERE PEOPLE WORK, be prepared for those people to pass right in front of your cameras on their way to their offices. Kindly keep in mind, you are disrupting THEIR day, not the other way around, so don't dare bitch at them or I'll send my Arab colleague down to the lobby to issue beheadings. Let me tell you, he has NO problem with violence.

5) A single-file line means just that. SINGLE-FILE. Do not pour out into the streets. Remember, they are not corn fields. People drive on those streets, plus, you are an eyesore to fashionable people.

6) Be decent enough to leave space on the sidewalk for people to walk by you. No, nobody thinks you're fabulous enough to stop and stare at.

7) Please be aware of the following parking rules: Absolutely no parking of people or cars ANYWHERE but Rockefeller Center, the Empire State Building, the Central Park ice skating rink, major museums in that area, SoHo and Canal Street. You may visit Ground Zero so long as you realize that it is not a tourist attraction and it is NOT YOURS. We know how you people get (please see my September 11th 2004 entry for info on what I mean here). Please understand that tourist zoning laws are necessary for the sanity of your hosts.

Happy turkey day, people!